Hard thoughts
It has been quite a month...
This month I managed to help run a Model UN commitee for high schoolers over a shabbat where I could not write, or even manage to use an elevator correctly, let alone get in my room. The high schoolers performed very well, but I do not understand why they don't dress more tzniutly if they cannot manage to find something that is Western Buisness Attire. *Shrug*
U. , is giving me a hard time...Not by being annoying/evil/mean or any other particular appallation that falls into the catagory of not nice guy.
Actually in a wierd way, although fustrated with me, he cares about my psychological wellbeing.
Growing up in frumland apparently has messed up my particular worldview about what I can and should do, and how I feel about how people see me. I'm slowly coming out of that shell....really slowly...thanks a lot to people like him, who just see me as LITW, without the hangups of the Jewish community. I am giving a public shoutout to my living group and my friends on campus...You are all amazing people to accept me as I am, since a good chunk of the world is not like that.
Anyways, back to the stories (or story).
He's managed to pick up that I feel in a lot of ways strongly ambivalent about some religious practices, not in the sense of doing them, but doing them within a community, and the implications of how I practice them. Within that field is also how I think about the world and the religious world in particular.
In the past two weeks, I got an email from my ex in Israel. Good guy, poltically right wing when it comes to the state of Israel. Two things to note about this email
A) I got this email two days after hearing about the Danish embassies burning in Syria, and hearing that Iran was referred to the Security Council. I heard about this event in the middle of the Model UN conference...in a commitee named "Middle Rast Summit"...which was trying to deal with the previous week and a half's worth of news about Hamas winning the elections.
B) The best description of myself when it comes to politics(or any social sceicne) is that I am a pragamtist that trys to see the issues from outside of my own being. Talking about clothes that I wear and are worn in a communal enviroment is one thing...legistlating it is another. As a result, I feel that I am politically the Orthodox jewish equivalent of the far left. It doesn't help that when in an all orthodox crowd, I argue like a Meretz-Yachad member, (a stronger position often helps you find a better middle ground in the argument) while the rest of the Orthodox World around me would vote for National Union.*
(*National Union and Meretz-Yachad are two Israeli political parties..National Union being the very rightwing party and Meretz-Yachad the very leftwing party)
He was responding to a previous email where I was complaining that I feel like the clapper of the bell, hitting all sides of an issue without really moving anywhere. I wrote to him becuase I was worried about the Hamas win, which was accompanied by a feeling of Wishing I could do something about it while knowing that I could not.
He wrote back about the last bit of News...Amona.
This email said the following (note I am parsing things that are extraneous):
"The big issue in yeshiva is Amona. i'm sure you heard what happened, but i hope you heard the "other side" as well. The police acted waaay beyond the provocation of the few violent ppl. they just beat the shit out of everyone.. they bashed the heads on of 13 year olds. 2 of my friends got banged up pretty bad on the head. ppl got trampled with horses.....
I'm not really sure what to think about the violence. im of at least 4 minds on the issue. I guess practically i'm opposed because it's useless, and there's no forseeable end which would justify the means of violence. I'm not gonna get into it now. What i have decided is that one possible solution is to go on a "squatter offensive"- we have to send cadresd of kids and families to take as many hilltops as we can at once, and give the barbaric magav arsim hell (though w/ minimum violence, fisticuffs at worst, no cinderblocks). it'll be too hard for ther govt. to evacuate every outpost, and if we restrain the violence we still have a shot at capturing public sympathy. we may lose some battles, but it's our only chance at winning. i'm not sure anyone will listen... one of these days, maybe when i get married, i'd definitely like to live at one of these outposts for a bit. sounds like a meaningful spiritual experience. Sit on a hilltop, do a bit of drawing, meditate with the wierd bat ayin ppl... sounds fun. i'm not gonna participate in any expulsions, in that i don't want to get evicted from israel."
I did look at footage by the way....after this email...
Apparently, according to U., I was very shaken up by the email, in a situation from a sheer political point of view I should not take personally, especially considering I
do not live in Israel currently.
The reason: I didn't know how to respond.
There is the emotional aspect...the very real emotions that you get when even if you do not live somewhere, you feel connected becuase you have loved ones who are there.
Then there is the aspect of being pushed into a specific position based on commonly held beliefs. In this case, mainly the corruption of Rav Yehuda Kook by Rav Zvi Kook. I understood the logic completely....nevertheless I do not agree with the implications of the postion they hold, nor do I neccessarily on an everyday basis agree with the background thoughts on the subject.
To be more explicit...Even if the Chilonim are the mechanism that brings Mashiach...Mashiach is not here yet and nor will you know when he comes. You should act as if nothing but your good deads matter...especially those bein adam l'chavero. You cannot force your beliefs on someone who does not want them, even if you beleive they are the mechanism in which you will be redeemed. Although the redemption does relate to them, it related through the fact they are also part of Am Yisrael (she chai bekayam) and hold a voice in the country that represents all Jews interests, no matter what they are and who holds them....Since they will be embraced by God becuase of their own personal nature... Mashiach after all, comes through our natural relationship with men...just as much if not more so than our relationship to god. The Mitzvah of settling the land is innate to the land, and not to messiah...nor from my understanding does Living and further settling the land en mass is part of the "ways you can force messiah to be messiah" is fase, whereas the I know that it is an explicit mitzvah to Just live in Israel in an unqualified state. if you are going to live in Israel for religious reasons, at least let them not be messianic considering you are not allowed to guess the coming of the Mashiach. If you are going to play in politics in israel...Play to the concensus, beucase consensus is just as much part of the process of unifiying the people in the Land of israel...which is the primary goal before settling it it, espeically in a situation where when you don't form concensus, you essentially destroy possibilities becuase of personal interests, aka the messiah...Mashicah after all, livies within you, not the land.
Further: Both U. and I (and many other people around here as well...but it was in coversation.) you should obey the country-you-live-in's policies on explict law, even if they are not equally applied. Tracing back to Locke (I can do that, I just read Second Treatise and Letter Concerning Toleration.), one should work with the state to obtain your rights back (if you believe they are your rights), especially in a situation where you are in the minority when it comes to who is objectively being abused or not. (the status of everyday abuse of OJ in Israel of course does not have an objective answer, just as the same question of everyday abuse by Orthodox jews in israel by the other sectors also does not have an objective answer...they may have more right ones though...however in this case...look they are being trampled by horses...that you can classify as objectively bad.,,,in a lockean sort of way) In other words....
GET YOURSELF ELECTED!!!!!!! USE LOBBYISTS!!!!!! WORK WITHIN YOUR POLITICAL SYSTEM'S MECHANICS!!!!!!!!!Which is something obviously not happening with the people who were in the protest turned riot becuase of how police presence was used.
Of course they were going to send police...although the border guard is excessive. Of course the teenagers should not have been protesting (especially on a school day with their teachers.) members of Knesset should not be caught encouraging others to throw rocks....Nor should anyone be throwing rocks...Especially in order to protect a settlement which there is a consecus that it should be gone, where considering the circumstances the protest was just as much (if not more) about Mashiach rather than the right to live and culitvate property freely.
In other words, I was angry at the students for being sucked into to a philosphy that they cannot judge...with it's strong ability to create a religious identity out of running around building houses as if that is the main mitzvah of life, not matter what the consequences. Especially under circumstances where the Messiah is not there yet!
And I was angry, becuase it is impossible to say that without getting a backlash, especially becuase at first glance it desanctifies the state (no it doesn't..it sanctifies the state thorugh the sanctity of its people, not through the sanctity of the land...That is why the first two words of the Bnei akiva slogan are Am Yisrael...Not Erertz Yisrael...or in other words, a mass grouping of Jews living together and governing together gives sanctity to the land, the land by itself is some carbon, calcium, nitrogen, oxygen, etc.)
Knowing this veiw as heretical in some ways, and knowing that I do sympathize (I Believe in the mashiach too, at least right now, and If i knew 100% that it would cuase him to arrive, I would do the same thing...unfortunately...do we know that anything we do will bring us salvation after death...salvation in the next life..and salvation when Mashiach comes....the answer is no)
I essentially wrote him a long letter at the end about settling the tops of mountains are silly (your goals is not to alienate the antion and make mini nations here) annulling respect for law...and in general, how i feel about Mashiach...After long encouragement to move on by U.
U later on further continued on to ask me questions about the exact relationship of law to God, why does it matter. This is an explict question about why the torah is true. Unfortunately as been discussed by such people as
Dovbear (go towards the bottom..it is discussed in length there), the because god says so line of logical is a form of circuitious reasoning (the torah is true becuase god says it is true in the torah, which is true..if that doesn't sound circuitous, then I don't know what does) I had to admit to him that he was right. Which I only admited to in writing. It is one of those things I won't just talk about...for fear of being metaphorically crucified by the community.
The wierd thing that is pains him to see me in such a constricted state. He doesn't understand it. Frankly nor do I. it has put me in a existential crisis, which is oddly relieving, since suddenly what I do
matters. It was always hidden underneath my thoughts that all of this needs to matter, and not be something done by rote, as it is with almost everyone I know.
Judaism today, even for the frummies like me, is a matter of choice. Taking away lots of choices is a choice. And if you cannot justify your choice, then why do you contineu to do it.
The biggest failure of the community is that they need kiruv clowns to create reasons that do not hold strong intellectual water. Beucase when you frame all mitzvot as a lack of choice, you have problems with a) ranges of mitzvot observance b) different understanding about what even should be mitzvah observances (hence why we have lots of responsas) c) the way people feel about specific mitzvah observances (there is no feel..just do...swish)
That is a religion of emptiness. To have no strong spiritual ground that shares intellectual ground is pitful, which is why last night I was asked why don't I become a Buddist (even then I would still be a Jubu ala the Jubus that are very close with their Judaism ala those that appear in the begining of
The Jew in the Lotus.) Right now my reasoning is that by going through my existential crisis, which becuase of the religion involved, crosses every aspect of identity, I will be able to change the very essence of the Orthodox community (if i choose to say Orthodox...wonderful thing choice) if only becuase I don't shut up in person and hence will not shut up about the fallacies that appear in the way people believes and how it affects their lives.
All in all, a very helpful thing to go through, but extremely hard.
Hard most of all becuase of the conflict between the Marrieds and the Not marrieds over the conflicts within the Marrieds within the Minyan. essentially, the not marrieds are holding everything together on the board (though two of the not married are about to get married to each other..Mazel Tov!...but they have been not marrieds in this community for a very long time and sympathize a lot with us, the not marrieds with no kids), even though for a standard college minyan we would be the marginals, becuase we like doing and beleiving in are own thing.
Any minyan where a person going through an existential crisis is the Vice president of the board cannot be good.
Some board memebrs actually want to dissolve the minayn for two weeks, becuase a vacumn will force people out of their shells. However, the people most dependent on the minyan, My ex and my good female friend, will not even consider it. Everyone esle is just sick of what is going on, the president won't show up anymore becuase of the shtus.
So I feel stuck there....stuck in a place that cannot give me enough support to explore...so I have to find that on my own.
I wish myself luck.
(BTW, thank you Drew kaplan for the trackback...that is sooo ubercool!!! I got trackbacked!)
(My goal is that I get nominated one day as a college writer for the jewish blog award thing...as well as become a better writer...any help in either regard is much appreicated)
