A Blustery Day

External competition

Something I have always wanted to know is why I am driven by both extrenal competion, while being pulled equally by internal competition

I have a strong streak of jealousy in me. I really can't stand it when in some way, someone is better than me in a way that cuts at something that I consider to be something that I am naturally.

Of course, being that on some level, I don't trust that i am naturally anything, and therefore feel constantly undercut, I feel a strong need to prove that I am naturally enough of something.

It pains me then, to see that my good friend and my ex are seeminly better at being Jewish on campus and getting better grades than me. And I don't have a good reason either to be so jealous. it is just something I am.

I guess, it is mostly becuase I am insecure with myself. This insecurity has given me hell as I have been adapting through college, making my improvements slow to come by. I finally do not have anymore Cs, and I am finally in the catagory of all Bs (or various types) . I am hoping next quarter to finally start getting some A's as I get the hang of University.

So why does it bother me that thse two people seem ot be getting the hang of it.

True, I am not taking a subject which I know I would do well in, such as the "history" requirement, or certain aspects of biology, both of which require skills of understanding patterns and connections in random sets of Data. (don't tell me polisci and history do not, and do not tell me that they are easy...because on some level, if you can be able to make generalizations depsite the implict bias of both first hand accounts, data sets, and the interpreter's own human nature, you are doing very well in life. Sciences and Math may be very hard to understand becuase of the "numbers" involved, but they have a certain black and white nature that makes the truth in them very easy to understand and inherently truthful once the rules are in place. The social sciences, on the other hand, do not have the same kinds of limitations put on them. They only depend on how much you notice things in the world, and I have met very few people who notice both little details in the context of the wider world...) true, I spend a lot of time goofing off, becuase I don't know how to deal with everything soemtimes (though that is slowly changing). But I still don't see why they are doing better than me, if only becuase when I work, I work my butt off, and becuase from people my age's reactions, I am not writing nor saying things dumb nor irrelevant. So why won't my grades compare?

Part of this is my ability to write. My writing is not the words of F. Scott Fitzgerald. It's a disorganized mess, much like my mind. My hebrew teacher says she finds it fustrating at times to work with me, becuase she can see that I make these implict connections, that show I have something up there, but I can't express them. It becomes more fustrating for her becuase my questions reflect that I am looking for different thigns in the language than the class is, which often veers the class off topic. (yes I am slowly learning to shut up...) It also makes my very broad. ambitious, ideas hard to write about, if only becuase I have a hard time expressing all the logic in it. Sometiems I wish I could write abotu anything for as long as I wanted, becuase at least then I could get more of the little details out onto paper...but that isn't quite realistic. I've also had a really hard trime answering prompts for some reason....mostly becuase I can't always think the way people ant me to, and feel that the connections they want us to write about aren't helpful to deal with. I really need to stop doing that.

I also am finally having some sense of decency about it all being a ok that I am crisising about Judaism. But it is extremely fustrating to be crisisng about Judaism and life, while watching other people seem more sure about it. I don't really care if killing Amaleck is what bothers you deeply on some level (sorry babe), I want to know why the system matters at all, where I am within the system, how I affect the system, how the system affects me, and are all of these influences right, and if so why? It's like walking around in the face of Documentary Hypothesis and ignoring the truths espoused there (thought hat would be like ignoring the Ibn Ezra....which of course some of us do every day...) , while also not knowing about the truths of Umberto Cassuto... I would personally guess the truth lies somewhere in between.

It is also like knowing that we spin interpretation to have certain social customs, but we refuse to accept that fact. it turns out that there is nothing wrong with premarital sex in a relationship if ou are ashkenazi (i don't care what everyone will yell, ashkenazim do not hold by the Rambam consistenly, and there have defiantly beeen periods of time where we did not hold by the Rambam about pilegshot). I would throw my weight on Tamar Ross, who is short says the torah is always being revealed consituously. This cuts close to Conservative theology, which the Orthodox Movement refuses to recongize any truth in (or even that of reform...or reconstructionist....) Considering that Torah and Halacha is supposed to be blind Law., why is everyone reacting rather than acting...preserving through change? And where Do I lie in that kind of world?

Sometimes I wish they were less openly pious, becuase it really doesn't matter very much, and in some ways it is more fustrating, If only becuase piety in and of itself seems half-assed. It matters more to know where your piety and beleif in God and law come from, otherwise on some level you are being Falshe Frum. Don't just do something becuase It has always been right, do it becuase you have discovered why it is right....and don't be afraid of not giving blanket statements about it either. It bothers me so much that no one I know is willing to talk about why they beleive a certain behavior is justified or not....

Oddly, I know these fustrations are all really petty, and if I relax and just compete with myself (once I figure out that I am me and that I am ok), I will do much better as a Jeiwhs person and gradewise. But figuring all that out is really hard. Rediculously so.

I wish I could just make it better.

(and PS...it doesn't matter if you are a merit scholar....but to me at least...it does matter if you can write a theory about something, pushing your mind to create something...that is all...I just needed to say that to make myslef feel better)

posted by In the Lee of the Wind @ 11:42 PM