A Blustery Day

As I sit listening to Goa

I keep thinking about school and life.

I realize I care a little less every day now that people consider me strange. t's so hard to let go to the fact that I am normal, just not the kind of person that other people would like me to turn into (aka become frumified).
What is awkward about all of this though is that in college I lack a sense of community with what I do. There aren't so many orthodox Jews around that are also confornting what I am confronting. When I go home and see my frienmds (as I did yesterday, wehn I got a friend to take me to her commuter college so I could do some research for Model UN), I realize how similar and how different I have become. They also are not confronting the things I am confronting, so they are not changing the way I am changing (though they are changing a lot, I cna see it). On the other hand, becuase we all share the same background, the way we think in some ways come from the same places. It is interesting to watch these changes, as people become more comfortable in thier skins (some needing to take more time to do that than others.)

It is also interesting to see what problems people are confronting. Probably the first one in the orhodox community is suddenly seeing people starting to date seriously, with shadchans (matchmaker people), etc. In some way I am really sheltered from that pressure, becuase I am so far away from home, in a place with a small orthodox community, in a college where marriage is far from people's minds. The most important question is: buisness, law school, or grad school. It's a totally different frame of reference out in college. While I never seen people who are more in love with what they study (or in one case, what she is not studying, for fear of feeling inadequate.), the thought patterns that cause people to live through thier work are so much different than those at home. Sometimes, I notice that at home, people are more in love with the ability to live in society, with family, kids, and the ability to be a pillar of the community at all costs. The competiveness to be part of the community in its fullest forms cause a lot of white collar crime, a lot of unhappy marriages (apparently there is a high rate of infidelities where I live), and a lot of bruised egos among people who feel like they can't keep up.
Out in college, the only people who will eat your ego is yourself. I know one guy who is in some way committed to the fact that he will fail, despite being a very smart guy overall. It seems that people know that they have to be reliant on thier talents in order to survive (which I am managing, thank god), and in order to fall in love with what they are doing.
It seems to be a place where becuase of this love of knowledge is so pervasive in the atmosphere, an eqaul if not greater love of God often falls by the wayside. There seems to be more resoucres for studnets who are not OJ though, if only becuase we are the tiniest minority on campus.(3 people out of about 4,000 undergraduates)(and yes I am happy there)
I wish there were more resources for students like me, but those resources seem to be more prevalient when you have the power of numbers.

In other news, When you think back to high school, and think on what people thoguht of you, your memories might actually be in conflict with what happened. i thought I was always one of those girls ont he sidelines..but apparently there was one guy who was just intimidated..who knew?

I kind of wish I did at the time. Despite from my memory his tendency to be argumentive, underneath he had his very nice moments. It probably wou;ld hav ebeen fun and more respectful than the bf who I did have in high school.

Remind me to write a post abouts sex, etc, instead of just guys.

posted by In the Lee of the Wind @ 7:26 PM