A Blustery Day

Un-

There is no more bashertville.

All i can say is that I am in shock and pain.

Apparently I still care for him deeply in person, hence pain.

Also he apparently is coming after this with a pleasantness, not nice, but pleasant.

so distant and cold, like the surface of the planet oribiting a dying star.

I hate pleasantness, since he is taking this as nice.

No it is worse, becuase you cannot critcisethat fact, becuase he can always counter that he is nice.

He doesn't feel abandoned like I do, especially when one of my darkest secrets is having no slef confidence becuase i beleive that I am good, but I don't see the world as validating that, and hence i might not be good, leavin me in paradox that i work out by trying to be exactly what the world tells me to be.

Right now, I want him to feel the ambiguity of feelings, rather than internalize them and be cold.

I want him to know that if it is just the irritating things, what about the goodness and how that makes you feel, about that paradox.

I wish I could understand unconditional love. It is what I need most.

I feel one moment ready to hurt him so badly, of all the things i could do, and the next i blaim myself, becuase I see him as essentially good, though right now he is hurting me.

i don't understand why he thinks hti sis right. I thought caring was important.

right now i am rehashing all the good things he said,, and how i didn't have the self confidence to beleive him, but how wonderful they are even so.

It would hurt less if i didn't invest myself, but I do.

I wish someone would save me from the pain....or give some of it to him....

I want love so badly it hurts....


I'm exhausted from the day, night

posted by In the Lee of the Wind @ 11:08 PM