A Blustery Day

This past week

Although alls well that ends well, this week seemed like it could crash and burn.

First my bf broke up with me. I'm not sure if I was expecting it or not.

I know I was going back and forth about if i should or should not because of communication issues. But still I was hoping we would be able to resolve that.

Then I tried out for the theatre groups, and nearly missed callbacks (at least i got into callbacks). I didn't make it. I hate the emotion that I feel when I make it to a certain level in my personal/professional (if becing a student is proffesional) life and then knocked down to nothing.

I can't completley my algebraic trig homework for calc.

And shabbat started out with some nightmarish qualities, mostly due to my own bad mood and having to deal with the fact that I am one of three orthodox undergrads in housing currently (this statistic will probably change after I graduate to higher numbers, right now the kashruth situaiton is horrible, but when they redo a dininghall on campus , it will have kosher dining integrated seemlessly into regular dining. Same mealplan, different, full food station, just apply into a dorm that will eat there..tentatively that should happen my senior year.)

However, it finally hit me that, overall, people seem to like me and want to include me.

I got asked back to Model UN for high school students as an assitant chiar for the event, from a guy that said I am one of he easiest people in the world to read body language from, but that I am really good at the section I was orignally placed in (middle eastern summit)

People ask me to joing thme for almost parties in thier rooms, and while i don't participate in any substances, people seem cool with that.

And my friends in my ex's part of the dorm still care about me too (and him) regardless of what happened.

I'm figuring it must be somehting about me irrelevant of whether I do the "right" social thing.

The other thing that happened this week:

remember poetry boy (search songs of songs in the page)? He's back.

I emailed him about the last psuedo sexual (rather than last sexual) experience we had. We (he) kind of wanted to escape the interminable cycle of sexual type activty, becuase it was starting to hinder our relaitonship as friends......(i wanted to date him, he prefered sexual activity and just be friends, but it was totally not working that way.)

So we argued in Eilat about the outcome. I was so angry at him but i kind of got the message when he said to me "I am not attracted to you enough to see you every day." I really wanted to go home at this point. (He alrady had taken one shot of whiskey in all of this if i had to guess he was trying to loosen up to tell me that.) We got lost and argued some more. he ended up taking me up to my room, where apparently ( i don't remember this part) he was holding me in such a way that would have been a preclusive to a last time, but i dared him not to, so he didn't and ended up just holding me instead. I emailed him about despite how bad and uncomfortable it was (and still can be), that memory made know that I wasn't hated, and therefore helped me fall asleep the night after this breakup.


He ims me back, telling me that he misses me, our past, he missed seeing me tremble in his arms, my body speaking so many little sentences through my every movement, and the fact that I was falling in love with him every single time I stared into his eyes. (all true)

He told me how much he regreted not taking me that very night, and didn't do so only becuase I dared him not too. Either he has great repsect for me, or there is something up with him.

In some ways he has hurt me badly in my past.

Despite our past, he continues to look out to me, and ocvcasionaly (he is a quiet guy after all) confides in me about hos wants and dreams. I think I am the only person on the planet who knows that he wants his wife to be able to kick his ass into shape. Which I cannot do, nor do I want to. (into self responsiblity here)..perhaps I do want to though...

It hurts in some ways to have him slightly back, and to know he will be dissapearing soon as he always does, neither one of us mature enough to do anything about it, and forever locked in each others grip.

I remember hearing secretly in my heart, this thankgiving, while I was still dating my college (ex)bf, after he walked me home partway from shul friday night, asking myself who i loved.
The top answer was my (now ex) bf, and still is. My (ex) bf was starting to breka me free of the patterns I always knew about love and hate, patterns which just have fallen apart.
The answer swirling around underneath this top love, a love than never was able to grow deeper and truer, was this guy that haunts me always, and it keeps staying that way no matter what I do. This has been going on since the early days that I met him, where I didn't know his name and I kept meeting him randomly in the streets, where he kept listening to me to the point I thought he was attracted to me midly, but I brushed it off. I still remember our fist conversation so vividly as a result. He was walking around with in the nice area where we live, we sat down at a bench, and I explained him the process of how to do a bezel set.

I wish our complicated relationship was not so. I generally don't say this aloud until something happens. Which of course, something did happen.

As long as he is gone, I am fine, happy, and for the most part able to move on.

Back in, and suddenly that all stops

Depending on how there he will be via im, well, how long do you think it will take for me to be back where I started, only this time in a sense even more lonesome.

posted by In the Lee of the Wind @ 9:17 PM