A Blustery Day

Closeness

I find that I have a variety of close feelings towards different people.

Somehow it makes life very confusing when either they need to change or are changing, or even sometimes when they are not.

Ex-bashert for instance. Three/four orthodox Jews...one of them being my ex with my birthday.

I don't mind the change in types of closeness I mind the awkwardness of getting there and his partially mean responses that are so out of character for him to me.

I wish that change would stop.

My Mom:

Doesn't want things to change and suspects my religioisty at all turns.

Meanwhile anyone here would tell you I am fairly religious...in that cute adorable innocent kind of way rather than the "I live in my room and don't come out" kind of way.

It is really hard too, most becuase of the ability to not daven and the fact that your friends will offer you cheese pizza from dominos and yuou can't accept, as well as having to learn all sorts of practical halacha for the first time. Like how to get to the 27 floor of a hotel on shabbat (answer: push it with your elbow, go elbows!)

I need things to cvhange and let myself establish my own indpendence rather than having to think about how my facebook picture compares to my friends, who are starting to go the beauty 24/7 route.

I also am not her mom when it comes to decision making about her visiting. All the other parents make decisions on thier own, so the same should be true of me.

I hung up with her over the fact that she keeps asking, and also if i am really orthodox becuase like all things in college, the interent connection can break and then fix itself wihtout me touching a computer (leave a computer on for 24 or more hours)

Friend name J:

I miss her terribly...she gave the best advice and kind of understood people so well. She is on leave this quarter, b ut I am afraid that things won't be the same when she comes back.

I leave messages for her on her phone, but sometimes I wonder if that is enough...I know I shoudl really write her an email, but who has the time here?

Poetry boy named J:

Since breakup all my hidden feelings have again resurfaced. They kind of slowly do that whenver I am around him, but now it is worse becuase I realizing that I do not know how to escape this situation, to know if he is a player or if he cares, or anything....It has this stuck feeling.

And I hate being stuck.

Friend R:
Friend R is of South Asian desent. Friend R has a ridiculous amount in common with me, enough so that I can stay up until 4 talking to him. This is a problem because he is an aethist nochri, and I should not be doing things like thgat with aetheist nochrim, becuase how do you limit that kind of closeness. Oddly I know I don't want to date him, but if he were jewish I probably would start to wonder, despite that right now as a point I don't want to date anyone.

BTW to all those that are curious: I maintain the right to have an imagination, and he is impeccably nice/gentleman (beyond the cursing) who actually thinks (though I have to wonder about the norse flag in his room, in which I visited while keeping Yichud....hahaha, take that mom!)

He is also my chair, and Iam playign right hand person at UN. While I doubt this will get messy in any which way, I know form other non-jews (chinatown bus can get you interesting conversations) that jewish women like myself have freaked out around guys who were obviously interested in them and visa versa, except that the male wasn't jewish. I really don't want to have a hyperventiallating moment, mostly becuase I think it is stupid. If I can't have very close male friends who are not nin my culture/relgion..well then I am doing something wrong at college.

So this could be a contentious issue for a lot of people. Oddly, I don't see many of the men I know (who are great, go itlotw living group at college!) as that kind of attraictive, but I can see why. Then again I also don't feel I am spending enough time with them (note to self, stop in on the chill dorm parties but skip the drinking)

Oddly, in a coversation in Person R's room, I got him to understand the purpose of being shomer negia (I think this mostly has to do with the fact that he was being sexually active with his last ex, who kind of burned him. Poor guy, no one should go thorugh that.) My reasoning: So you can create an objective closeness with someone. (Perfectly good reaosning, even if it does come from The Magic touch, which I abhor.) Most peplke respect tghat as being religious here, btu don't understand why bother. Even if he thinks I live a highly regulated life (which I admit I do, and on some level I need to practice the regulations better), it is great to know that someone not jewish actually gets what is going on. This is especially important becuase there are a number of people here for whom I am the first Orthodox Jew they have met. My behavior matters more, along side my explanations.

This bring me to Friend S:

Friend S is part of the Jewish frat on campus. He was an orientation aid for hillel (this is how I first met him). He also is broken up with his previous girlfriend.

A) the same person in the frat is teasing us both how we should date (though not together)
B) he keeps asking why I am shomer..and I keep poorly articulating the same things. Or things which make him think that Modern Orthodoxy that I keep is fringe (which it is totally not!!!), since he feels that most of his friends who are Modern Orthodox are not like that.

Hello! Most of the MO jews are growing closer to halacha (as well at times more radical, such as shira chadasha, go them!) The people who he knows right now are either aware of the trend and are trying to ignore it (lets see how long that lasts, becuase comformity is a good thing *smirk*)

So right now he is annoyed with me about it. he doesn't quite get that although I know I am very (deliciously so even, mmmmmm) human, that doesn't mean this is the right time to indulge. (though i keep wondering about when I will....I should be very interesting at that point) So why bother me about it? This smells of something else going on in his head (my thought is hormonal, but ehhhhh)

In the meantime, though I see him as a great, cute guy, I really wish he would buzz off and let it go, or if that is his interest, to respect my relgious behavior instead of trying to change it.

I am behind on my reading from last week so I have to go!

posted by In the Lee of the Wind @ 12:06 PM