Break time!
Right now, I am two weeks into a three week break.
Break teaches you a lot of things. Like how I am a lazy bones jews. Or that I need to be prettier in order to impress guys (my slow introduction to the shidduch scene :-( ) Or that one should not to Toy's r Us the friday before christmas (actually i don't think you should go at all..they don't have good toys.)
I think I have discovered that Bashert-ville is much less bashert-ish than I thought, probably due to myown pressure to make it bashert. I have other issues with family to work out before investing time into that. I need to invest more time into me. I also need to realize that right now I want to be curious and not staid, and I feel like I am dating staid guy.
I would like to put here he is an amazingly sweet guy, but I dislike not having a thing to talk about if I call twice a week. This depresses me. What kind of relationship am I in if the guy can't reveal peices of himself to me, and sounds somewhat tired of conversing?
Furthermore, I think I need to get my mom to realize that I am an "open" jewish person. This measn I don't care what religion you beleive in, or if you are of a particular race, or gender/sexual identiy, if your first goal to be righteous and a good, trustworthy person, then I am all for you as a friend. This disturbs my mother, who wants me to have more orthodox friends (not happening..I am particular about that...they need to just let go of thier orthodox selves first) and even would like to not invite them to the wedding I will hopefully have eventually, something which I beleive is very wrong. Why should I not want to invite those who are supportive of me, and why should my mother be angry that they are not necessarily of the same faith I am.
Another thing I need to do is stop being lazy. Or at least less lazy. I think this quarter I want to get involved in the things I am passionate about. I want to get back involved into my Judaism (so hard outside of israel), which for me means starting at the basics, before even prayer (which can move me greatly..see my yom kippur post): Learning. Despite being the resident Undergrad orthodox Spiritualist almost neo-hippy...but not quite, what moves me most in Judaism is in fact learning (as it should be). I also need to learn more zealously (fun) secular things. and do stage.
I figure I should get a whiteboard calander and another stylus for my palm to do this, as well as ship my books to school.
Another thing I have realized, is that I need to grow in college, but just realizing that is growth oriented. I am not sure what that means yet. I'll come back to you to discuss that. I guess right now it means becoming the beauty I secretly am, and to learn to assert myself against the communal things I dislike.
Hmmm
Apparently I am one of those high stress people who needs hugs when under stress. Aka I am a drama queen.
This apparently is driving the person known as bashert sligtly nuts, becuasein thsi school I tend to crack and then be ok. Then crack. Plus he in the relationship is very laid back, low stress...and also not communicative about feelings. You kind of have to pick them up and interpret what to do with them.
This leaves me very stressed, becuase I often don't know what to do.
Apparently living in the same dorm and then me always being there is giving him space problem, which he kind of didn't say anything about, but was starting to make him meaner and twitchier. Whereas I am defiantely passive agressive, he just kind of is silently acting upon them.
This method scares the hell out of me, becuase it makes me wonder what I am doing wrong in general, and makes me freak out about all the little details.
And knowing that he jsut won't say anything, I have to learn to confront him about him being twitchy.
Otherwise I will drive myself nuts. Which I am. I keep managing to cry over this because he is just such an incrediably good and moral person, and nice....which i somehow A) feel guilty about, becuase I feel like i might corrupt him based on my needs (i dislike shomer negiah with a passion, I also dislike slow with a passion when it comes to feelings) and B)stress about what he is thinking emotionally (type items) becuase he just won't say....
So i end ebing repetive about mine...somehow in the hopes of elciting information, but no. I think ti might be better somehow if i just asked, but sometimes that doesn't work becuase you have to know how to ask.
All i know is that when I canceled a date which he forgot about....he said "I think I am bad for you." I find that far from the truth, becuase at least he is supportive. He somehow manages to think that i would be better with someone equally high maitenence, becuase then I would explode. What i don't think he realizes is that having relationships like that with other people, I tend to go back crying about how I cannot fufill what they need me to do. I get more passive agressive rather than less. And I tend to internalize the worst about myself, and thinking tht I am horrid in thier eyes. At the very least, although he has made me cry about the stress of not knowing what he wants....he has yet to make me cry about being a bad person internally and hence unlovable.
Right now I want to cry because he feels a need for space (i tend to need the opposite) and the thought that he might be bad.
It just hurts to see in a lot of ways someone caring enough to degenirate themselves when he does not deserve it.
Grammar and Love
First off, I can slowly see, despite the typos and the lack of edting in this blog (when I have time I will edit it), that my grammar is lsowly improving. This is considered a good thing, becuase of the people that know me well, know that I have a hard time writing.
Right now it is reading period, and next week is finals. I am having a really hard time studying. I just don't have the engery and focus needed to study for two exams and to write two papers. I don not feel like I am getting substational amounts of work done, and this is bothering me intensely. Ahh well.
I hsould also make the statement in response to my last post, I don't think most 16 year olds also have an idea of long term investment. At the same time, I am still in favor of having some co-ed activities, becuase I find that absolute segregation makes for awfully wierd beahvior patterns. The problem is how...I think that some of the problems involving how guys relate to girls does result in not having some academic parity in the classroom in jewish subjects. Often the goals in a coed classroom become just skills and thinking, since how we gender men and women in torah study and academic exellence would limit any other options. It would be nice to see a male character become the next Nechama L. while female becomes the next R. Aaron Lichtenstein, based only on training skills.
In single sex classrooms, it gets harder to try and create parity, but not impossible. I thiunk internal competiti0n rather than external (Stop telling everyone on the planet in other words who is the good learner and then make him/her the head chesed person in high schools!!!) might be effective. if you see everyone as competeing with themselves, then women can effectively compete as well.
This brings me to another topic entirely.
My thoughts on this world tend to make me,ummm, overly attached and appreciative of nice people, and I seem to have grown up somehow thinking that to be happy, one has to make others happy.
In other words I have managed to define myself exclusively on relationships, with external relationships with other people being more important than my own realtionship with myself. This makes me extremely paranoid of doing things wrong, becuase if I can't be perfect for others, then where will I be? I keep wondering if the stress of trying to be perfect is going to destroy my relationship.
It also makes me very needy on some level, more needy that I really should allow myself to be. In other words, I have never really done anything for myself wihout really asking if it will make someone else happy. Or only a few things. And it is stressing me out. And then I need to be comforted from the stress. being extremely tacatile in a shomer negiah relationship is not fun at all. Touch is definately one of the key ways you confort someone, and when one is paranoid about being enough, well then, touch becomes really useful.
I am with someone really wonderful. beyond being really self sufficent, the only things he expects of me is to support him, which I beleive strongly in doing anyways. This somehow is problematic for me, since I haven't convinced myself that it is enough for me to do just that.
I am going to rant on my parents, who baby me a little still. My mother still insits that I need to dress ort of conformist (she hates the ties....) and feels a need to still go shopping with me. I hate it, since I don't want toi be told how to dress.
My parents, except on special occasions, try to keep me out of the kitchen as well for saftey reasons.
Continuing on with safety, I'm still not allowed to sit in the front seat of a car when my father drives becuase it isn't safe enough.
Ok I get it....but it is making me paranoid....
I really want some self suffiency, becuase it is killing me emotionally.
*sigh*
They also think that you need to be very responsible to have priveldge. actually the priledge itself is the responsbilty. hence it is hard to convince them that it is ok for me to go places by myself still at night. That I do not need a curfue, becuase it is my responsibilty to find away home when I am out in the night,m or at least a safe place to sleep, and call in the morning or late in the evening to explain what is going on (which I don't even need to do here)
My parents have a hard time with this.
And it makes me paranoid now, becuase what if I havne't done enough to show I am of age all the time, and hence lovable?
Moody and tiredness kicking in.
And that was slightly rambly.
Bleh, back to math and shabbat.
