Ohel Mo'ed
When I can, the only two blogs I reallly read regularly (sadly) are Drew Kaplans and Josh Yuter's, despite there being many other great blogs out there in Olam Hablog.Recently, a post came up at Drew's blog about domestic abuse (plus another issue he doesn't want to talk about).
Let's talk about it.
The Jewish community is perfectly built to be rife for domestic abuse, especially the Jewish community in the NY metro area. Appearances are really important. Gender roles are defined, even in the Modern Orthodox community.
What happens when you start to break molds among friends?
I'm going to let go of some of my anonymity here. I went to an Israeli program last year that was left wing. We ran a comparable program to the Buria program at Midreshet Lindebaum, the main differences being: we had slightly less structure (We had more beit midrash time to do whatever we wanted with); the girls could wear pants (We had nine Americans and two Swiss females orignally, including me, integrated to the program. Midreshet lindebaum splits thier programs for foriegners and israelis and has slightly differnt hashgafic content for each. The Israeli program, in theory, had no problem with it, however with the massive number of Americans running around with a move "conservative" orientation, the decision was made to not rub against the grain); and we had no madrichot. (The roshei midrasha by us just felt it was unneccessary.) I was allowed, in other words, to particpate in programs geared towards Americans in things like loose capris and men's ties, as long as it was tzinut. Let's just say it caused more than a few snickers among people who were not my freinds.
One time I wore a long loose, very feminine green skirt with flowers embroidered on it (awww) to a shabbaton with Americans that I knew. I got a comment "You finally look like a girl."
While the comment isn't inherently abusive in any way, it shows a low tolerance for behaviors that do not conform to communal lines, something that I have a habit of not doing. Women asserting thier independence beyond certain roles is extremely off putting. To be an expert in the laws of niddah is fine. To be an expert in the laws of cutting a contract, well, that's just wierd.
Another peice of this puzzle: I was sleeping over a freind's seminary in J-town, and the Aim bait was having a bait cham. The discussion: Should you have a tv in your house?
A) It isn't only your house. What about your husband's (to be) on this? Certain people I would expect to have a tv in thier house (like those in advertising....)
B)The discussion was geared towards raising kids. Are you gendering that discussion? Are they only your kids?
Apparently my role about how to figure this stuff out was quite abnormal. We took one day to talk about marriage, discussed some paintings about love and our preconceptions about various kinds of relationships and external forces on realtionships through the lens of the paintings, and this discussed the realties of the worlds, like dating someone of a different relgious backround or soemthing liek that. (hey we are realists)
Meanwhile, my male freinds where having experience of playing with kids in their spare time in order to acclamate them to that idea, along with having the how to look for a wife discussion. Most of thier time was spent learning, and being guyish.
I've gone through relationships: one guy of orthodox upbring (but is rebelling), one guy of coservadox upbringing in which the school he went to moved the fmaily into an orthodox mode, had a complicated non-relationship with a guy of orthodox upbringing, and am currently in a realtionship with a guy who is for intents and purposes orthodox (but definately not frum...) but went to public school.
I may be blinded by cupid's dart, but the one I am currently in objectively works the best, mostly becuase there is a definately a cultural understanding in part by the secular world of respect of opinions, no matter the person's position of dominance or gender in the relationship. This, added to the shomer negiah bit, has allowed both honesty and privacy to develop, something very new to me. Of course, I am conjecturing that if this very aspect fails, the relaionship suddenly falls apart, which is why there is high divorce rate
currently. It is a high demand on someone. Issues that would appear ina realtionship (like that tv) actually would be discussed there in a real kind of way and debated in a real kind of way, and actually might be compromised on by partners.
The Jewish community does not ask for this in order to make a strong marrige, they ask only for the partners to fufill thier assigned roles. I have been told to find more female friends becuase I will need them in order to discuss how to raise my kids in a very final kind of way. While this may be true to some extent, it shows the lack of influence fathers have in childrens lives. I have seen women compromise thier own hashkafa (both positively and negatively) for husbands. In reality it might not even be the husbands, it might be the community. The reason why spousal abuse is a family issue and not just a women's issue or a men's issue, is becuase we train our lives to be the unit of gendered families, each with a role. Not that it is a bad thing, of course. We have low divorce rates. But there is very little support for odder combinations,Like the homefather and proffessor mom in the relgious community... Or little support for divorce in general. Or the types of jobs women could take. Unless you start out and stay as a working lawyer all through your kids, how likely is it that you are bringing in signifigant amounts of cash in the Jewish community?
Abusive men are still far more probable than abusive women (though that can happen). But it falls within the norm, and to break that norm brings dire consequences becuase you potentially damage the stability of the community.
So then you have to create a new question? How do you demasculinize spousal abuse, especially in a community where unusually it is possible to not come from an abusive family and marry into one?
Further, the issue starts early. My "rebellious" ex (all the way from high school) once told me that there were parts of my body that were not attractive. (Never tell your girlfriend that.) He also managed to tell me that he regretted dating me first (also not that). He was not abusive though. But this attitude of "I am the comforter" was common in both of my ex dating realtionships. And I could not peep, becuase it is defiantely not my role to peep if someone is in love with me. (trust me when I say the bashert is trying to get me to break out of that, becuase it is making me very paranoid)
Now let us segway into part b)
Becuase Of love....or what seems like it, becuase of security, which is hard to find, and becuase of the value of relationships in the jewish community, welcome to what is known as the Orthodox Jewish Whore.
As a freidn of mine would call it, Jewish women are the following:
Won't touch anyone but thier boyfriends.
Do practically everything with thier boyfriends (and as you get later in life, that is everything)
But behave like cold fish while doing it.
In order to be spic- and-span for a mysterious item known as a ketubah.
Pushed with a value known as shomerhood, and within a world that likes to manipulate others for the item known as a relationship, apparently some price is to be paid. But the shomer value doesn't disspaer, once must at least appear, so hence fishiness.
Love costs a lot, becuase there is an expectation of sexual and emotional bulwarks in high school, with the payment of security, "love" and some value on some popularity scale.
And teaching about ribs doesn't neccesrrily help.
Complicated showed me that. He interefered while on "break" with the "rebellious" ex (a half broken up state, while the ex was consdering whether to stay like that indefiantely or not), and interefered when we broke up. While on some level he defiantely cares and is my friend, on anohter he smells just my scent and bored into my mind to chase it. In that context, where it does cross gender roels, but also aspects of my own safety, and I couldn't say no, or when i did it wasn't a powerful enough one from either within me or for him to listen to, what is there to teach, becuase he would still need the skills to understand and recontextualize.
And once you past a point, certain people feel owed to, and can't take no either. They need to feel me more secured to make you secure, and you need to be level if that mcuh as before.
So you have this cycle, of people who don't care in the beginning except for themselves becuae of these gendered roles of thigns coming to them. No explains that it comes at xyz costs. No one explaisn the art of negotiating and that it may not be all right now or that it may be a long term investment. Saying that: it is a long term investment, also doesn't help becuase a 13 year old doesn't not understand a long term investment.
Anyways at this point I am rambling...but I tried to respond.
posted by In the Lee of the Wind @ 2:17 PM
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