A Blustery Day

Leaving On Jet Plane

I'm dissapearing for the next two months, becuase I am going to have limited interenet access this july and this august-september (up until i start school) I am going to be at home with parents who despise the idea of blogging (grrrr).

On top of that I am behind posting (double grrrr)

So we will see what ends up here. I hope to put something in in July, but august is shot.

posted by In the Lee of the Wind @ 5:18 AM 2 comments

Still Sitting Pretty with a Pistol in Hand

So yesterday, I went to the tekes of my midrasha's female hesder program.

I should mention two things before I go on. About one third of Israeli Dati Leumi (literally religious of the land, it means someone is a zionist orthodox Jew.) women do army service instead of Sheirut Leumi (national service). This is one of the few ways to participate in the army in a religious framework. I'm glad it exists, just liek I am glad there are religious combonations for boys. Always a good thing to experience yourself fully religious and fully secular.

Anyways that wasn't the point of the post.

The point is, I went to my friends' tekes. One of the girls one an award (congradulations!!!! I am proud of you). It was realy sweet.

But it is the Israeli army. One of the best armies in the world. How could thier army ceremonies be so well cute.

I then realized that despite the fact all those people on stage knew how to shoot their M-16. But they don't look imposing. Far from it, they look adorable instead. I now realize that is why the israeli army works. Even though they do fight, they brief thier soldiers in a way that is age approiate, and they provide a lot of non-combat jobs as well to improve moral that army is something everyone could do. (My friends are primairly teaching to make up for people who did not pass state exams, as well as the conversion course, etc.) It is as mucha social machine as it is an army.

Which is why they get away with cuteness. Becuase the army is also about growing up, which these 19 year old girls are doing a wonderful job at.

posted by In the Lee of the Wind @ 6:38 PM 0 comments

Teaching is the highest form of understanding. -Aristotle

So this past week a friend and I have been teaching the kids of the local town remedial English in the morning to prepare for Israeli state exams.

It's been an interesting time, let me tell. I could see the differences and similarities in my own learning of Hebrew.

Unlike the yeshiva system in America, which seems to be losing it's stress on hebrew, the schools here seems to actually care about ESL, moty becuase it is a useful international skill. So it was actually kind of interesting to see that they approached us to teach because we are Americans. The school cares about the fact they learn english, unlike my (ex)high-school, which cared more about Yiddishkeit over hebrew.

Funnily, like in US, kids still abuse the system. I think it was worse in the US, only becuase the system to teach Hebrew is a little messed up (Random Israeli women anyone-I always felt that it might be better to have someone teaching with pedagogy along with fluency who isn't a native speaker rather than a native speaker teaching who has no clue how to teach.). It's funny how much they also cheated (yes Good Morning, cheating is rampant in high schools.) just like girls in my class used to. However it seems to be less tolerate in Israel, only becuase it matter more here. ESL means you get ahead, go to university, etc., enough so that the universities continue to give ESL.

In the United States, people care about your outside frumness, and therefore the general plan is to inculcate the person with frumness. Ironically, the easiest way in the long term to access Judaism is to know hebrew. However, in a climate where schools and the community has "moved to the right" (I always wanted to know right of what, this is religion not politics.), how we connect with Israel and other Jews seem to be getting the shortshrift to how to "properly" connect with Judaism, and therefore Hebrew as a language is being ignored.

I find it ironically funny that up until I attended an Israeli midrasha, I couldn't speak and didn't feel comfortable enough to read. Now I can kind of speak, (at least enough to teach, though I was more dependent on my partner in crime :-) ) and can start to read or at least recongnize shoreshim in what I am reading (I still stutter and have a hard time understanding.) It's opened up a whole new world to me of Jewish connections becuase I learned what kind of religous options I have. Do I want to become more Chababkuk, or more Jewish-Intellectual (I ended up with Jewish intellectual with a spirtual soul who knew?) it caused me to put the hours needed to read three lines becuase I saw a) me growing spiritually) and b)enjoying learning. (though the enjoying learning is not a suprise, since I like that secularly.) Even still, I am dissapointed that I still am dependent somewhat on translations nad dictionaries. i really want to become fluent now becuase I see what a self value this all means.

Funnily, because of the learning hebrew expereicne (though not to fluency), when I cam home for pesach, I was the only girl who borrowed the local beit midrash in my old high school (I learned about haggdah from The Historical Haggadah and the http://www.pomeranzbooks.com/m-pomeranz/details.asp?bookID=3612 the Torat Chaim Haggadah, which I highly reccomend.). I didn't dress any differently, I was trying to pray three times a day (gee I am really bad at that) but I still was the only person out of over 60 girls who came back to learn. My pricipal, needless to say, was shocked. (not about the other people, but about me). I attribute that to me learning hebrew. It makes learning and Judaism really meaningful to me, a feeling which isn't displayed by the general community in my age group. A real pity.

I see the same girls in the lowest level hebrew class dropping out of Seminary (DAMN IT I WAS A MIDRASHA STUDENT NOT A SEM GIRL!!!!!) or alternatively going out to cafes often. They (in some ways) spent more money than I did, and ekpt talking about spirituality (not that I find a problem with spirituality, but if that is it, go hiking!) The ones most into their learning, ironically, where the ones who appreicated the hebrew and aramaic and the texts around them. They were also the ones (usually) most normally shtark, becuase they saw options. With that in mind, teach hebrew.

The students from the local town reminded me of me when it camer to hebrew and life. They thought they could stay that way forever. As a result, the aren't so connected with the world around them. Pity, they don't know what they are missing, a whole other world that could become completely accessible if they would just learn. It was so fustrating to force this one girl who was really weak, like I was to learn, becuase once she did, she actually was doing really well for a weak student. Distaste and lack of familial importance (my mother always oked me being bad in hebrew/judaic studies, a mistake which I will not make.) enforces.



Different rant: If I dressed the way of these girls, people would call me a ho. I wonder why that doesn't happen in Israel. The skirts and shirts are too tight, and why do these just out of 10th grade girls tease their hair and wear black eyeliner. It isn't neccessary (and this is from a person who loooooovves makeup). If i dressed like that, I would hope that my friends would sit me down to some degree (A little sex is ok,becuase continuing desire in a relationship is neccessary,even when you aren't dating someone. It's about making sure you are attractive more than caring so much about the sex.). I wish I had the authority to sit them down and tell them they still had baby round faces to dress like that, and even if they didn't they look umm innaproriate.

Anyone about secular Israelis and the way they dress?

posted by In the Lee of the Wind @ 4:45 PM 0 comments

Lots of posts

Ok So i need to back-write a whole lot of issues.

From Teaching, Religion, Tekes, to more jewish political issues.

So this is going to take some time.

Hope that whatever linkage/readers I get will enjoy (or whatever they do)

posted by In the Lee of the Wind @ 4:42 PM 0 comments

Wedding, revisted

As someone must have realized from my all-over-the-place essay last night.

About the wedding itself: It was the first wedding of a friend (not family) that I had been to. The bride and groom were both Israelis. Parts of it were extremely wonderful, especially how the (younger parts) of the crowd got to participate in singing for simchat chatan u'kallah (the happiness of the bride and groom). Literally every part of the ceremony itself were groups of young adults singing. It was so incredibe to be supported at wedding by your friends. Defiantley communal. I didn't love the cocnept of a catering hall though, seems nice-cheesy in the end.

I will admit though, it does bring a number of issues to light.

Namely to quote myself

"Mostly becuase they remind me of my own inadequacies and hopes. I don't even know who or what is right anymore as a result."

This mostly has to do with my issues with Judaism (see below).

I also think it has to do with the fact that I am afriad of growing up. The Kallah is only 21 and I am a mere 19. We learned together in Midrasha. The age difference there seemed hardly apparent. Her getting married means I could get married soon (in theory...I'm not dating anyone to speak of so obviously I can't get married)

It means dealing with all those mitzvot that I don't want to deal with, mostly becuase I am afraid of them. It means entering the "shidduch" (the set-up through friends, families, coworkers, and proffessionals for marriage) scene.

There you end up facing all your (what looks like now) insignifigant little quirks. There they suddenly become "issues" becuase your life is up for grabs. All of this for the sake of a Jewish continuace.. I want to know only one thing, and it is a selfish thing at that: Where am I and my needs in that balagan?

I think the worst part is that knowing me, I might subsume those in order to create the needed familial/social unformity and end up unhappy. Right now I think I am under even more pressure from my point of view, sicne my cousin is engaged to be married this fall. Guess who is the "next" one according to birth order? Me.

And it makes me nervous. The girl is two years older than me (I think). She'll be in college married. Could I do that? Especially in a secular college like of the one I am going to?

More pressure also comes from people (family people) telling me how to dress, that I need to look and act pretty, wear makeup, ect. What if I want to be a flaming intellectual and work in hebrew school in order to go see the Himalayas instead? Or backpack through Europe?

It doesn't help my shidduch prospects, I can tell you that much. Having a goal to read nietzche and plato and Aristophanes (I liked Lysistrata thank you very much) and to broaden my mind isn't appealing in a world which thinks I should concetrate in the practical. Practical=appealing. I need to create a Bais Ne'eman b'yisrael after all. It doesn't require me to know anything important about the world around me.

But I can't imagine a life like that.

As a result, I'm going to be an inadequate Jewish girl-chick. Rather I should say grrl-chick.

But still inadequate. I'm defined by the community and hence without a boyfriend, without a fiance, without a husband, to help define me, I will be inadequate. I think even If I won a rhodes the community might not see me as just me. I would still need to have the status of attached in the long term.

Though nicely right now there is always this tosefta to throw at people for my lack of jewish normalacy (though person normalcy i seem to have in spades :-) ) Sotah ה:ו. (thank you good rabbi friend)

But of course, although it may be halachic: Is it practical?
I would think if that was the case then a large number of jewish marriages would never come to fruition. Ultimately the community has a high degree of influence. Whether that be good or bad is a whole other issues, but still it doesn't serve its purpose when it comes to independent people. Of course, the mitzva of having children also doesn't help the independent lifestyle, but I don't think that will stop me (Let's take the kids to Bangladesh to help out flood victims honey!)

We'll see.

posted by In the Lee of the Wind @ 3:08 PM 1 comments

I was supposed to write now about the wedding that I was at.

I'm too tired to.

And it makes me re-evaluate my feelings too much.

I have a love/hate relationship with weddings it seems.

Mostly becuase they remind me of my own inadequacies and hopes.

I don't even know who or what is right anymore as a result.

I rather go get smashed right now, fuck.

Mostly I feel incoherent with myself.

I'm lacking somehow to just enjoy. And it bothers me.

I'll write about this tommorrow when I don't have to feel it so much. I'll analyze it there.

posted by In the Lee of the Wind @ 4:32 PM 0 comments

To Be A Jewish (young) Woman

As someone has probably noted by now, I'm very Jewish young lady. Not only Jewish, but I try to push myself (in a kind of babies who crawl, then walk but fall a lot kind of way.) to be more shomrei Mitzvot (I like that term better than Modern Orthodox...Sociologically, I don't fit into the American Paradigm of what those two words mean, but Mitzva-wise, and my understanding of Mitzvahs I do.). I just finished studying in midrasha for one year and this Septmber I will start my undergraduate AB at a prestigious Midwest University.

Basically, in short, all of this means is that from the "normal" Modern Orthodox, "strictly" Orthodox, Chassidshe, Litvak Chareidi worlds (the Orthodox Velt if I have to call it anything.) is that I am either marriagable, or nearing marriagable.

Also from below we know that like most people in my world, I have trouble keeping all the Mitzvot, especially those that shall we say, seem to have a feminine Peragotive attached to them.

I should note here that I am really a FFB (frum from birth)- BT (ba'al teshuva). I grew up in an Modern Orthodox home, in which in my spare time alone away from my own house I can honestly say I tried bacon. (Shocking....) This year has been a semi-reversal for me (I have always beleived in some form of diety, getting back to my jewish roots has been the reversal, not neccessarily the believing in God bit.) and I can say honestly it has been really hard, and still is. i still can't manage to pray all the prayers at their regualrly scheduled times. I still don't feel like I know enough about what to do. One thing I have discovered is that learning seems to make my jewish world a better place becuase it makes me comfortable with my jewish practices, and it gives me the strength that I need about going through the ups and downs of re-becoming Shomrei Mitzvot. (Of Which there are plenty...) Right Now my big ones (on a personal level) Is praying at least once a day (Since I prefer the morning prayers, If i oversleep that is it) and maintaining concertration while I do that (I am a disctractable person with both ADHD and Bipolar Disorder Type 2, and you can't completely medicate it all away). I want to be able to move to praying all three times, feeling more comfortable with all of the stringecies of Kashruth, to how to dress modestly in pants. I also really want to try some form of shomer negiah (no touching men....) (though I think derech chiba will be allowed is some form...I have a real life to attend to with real not-jewish people who won't get it...)

For the rest of the world, which assumes becuase of the background (not knowing about my side trips to the rest of the world),the assumption that I really do have to "flip out" (become more religious/religious in my case), and that it won't be easy still has yet to hit them. It is hard to get understanding that I'm like a semi-knowlegable child, knowing without experiencing, and that re-trying all of this out provokes a flurry of feelings, from excitement, to becomign upset, to annoyance, to embracement. I'm lucking to have gone to an ultra-understanding Israeli Midrasha (open is it's halmark) (though they don't know about the background) and to know an Ultra-understanding, extremely patient, american Rav (or at least he is patient with me, but that might be becuase I am his friend). They all kind of "get" the concept that I (and the few other americans who came here) live in a modern world with all of it's pressures, and navigating it all means admiting that you can fall down as well as get up.

Those people are understanding, the rest of the Velt though is a bit cruel. I'm expected to know and act without my why's ever answered.

And acting in this case means growing up fast.

It means that people want me to deal with Married Female Persons halachot now.

To do that, I need to get married (obviously).

The funny thing is, I am nowhere near ready to deal with those issues, becuase I am only starting now to resolve my own Jewish Issues. How will I resolve those involving marriage just yet.

I can't deal with the concept of Covering My hair (how much to cover, how to cover..yada yada yada) or Nidda U'Zava (I refuse to call it taharat hamishpacha...you are being purified to a limited extend, not your family, they are not dipping in any mikvahs or counting any days.)

Yet the pressure is on. My mother is telling me I need to dress pretty and still thinks I am going to wrong school becuase of the need for marriage. Marriage marriage marriage. All I her today is the word Marriage. Or meeting guys (closely aproximated with marriage.)

Funnily, I am not adverseto me marrying young. Nor am I adverse to marrying someone older/younger than me by more than a few years. The big deal is, I can't marry into the Orthodox Velt, becuase I cannot guarantee they will be willing to put up with the fact that I am only now going over my issues with a fine toothed comb and resolving them.

I also still display all the self conciousness of someone just coming out of the bloom of youth into the flower of young adulthood, compounding the matter. How am I supposed to become norma on some level to them, if I still have a hard time accepting myself as normal?

I don't want to date someone who cannot grow with me, communicate with me. Who will help me along until I am more ready to confront the "married people" issues (which I just can't deal with becuase they are so outward, I need help with the inward ones first.) I want to find someone who will just help me along. Not someone who's name is Pressure.

Unfortuantely, all I see around me is a world full of men with pressure.

I dated someone (we're not getting into the how good we were issues) who's first and last line was marriage. And he went to the Gush, not the school known for bringing out those issues. He's a great guy, but it ws a huge strain on me to have to cronfront those issues without having resolving the earlier ones. I wish that I could find someone who just let me take it a step at a time instead.

I'm afriad no one like that exists. And I don't think I can build a life with someone who won't both be there and yet give me space to resolve issues.

But I am under pressure to forget about Issues and just do. This is what made me so disgusted with the orthodox world in the first place. And what makes me so afraid to think seriously about marriage now.

posted by In the Lee of the Wind @ 4:51 PM 0 comments

The Honeymoon

For some reason, this did not post when i published it originally.

I suppose that is a good thing, my thoughts are still swirling about the original post.

The post, the post was about Disengagement. Or closer to the matter, a friend of mine's post-training honeymoon with Tzahal. Her posting:Gaza.

She wasn't trained primarily for combat either. She's a teacher, helping bring the unpriveldged of the army, from backwaters and slums, to the standard level of education. To give them a second chance. I don't even think that most foreigners realize that most of jobs Tzahal provides are non-combant like hers and the rest of my friends, and that a good deal of jobs don't even relate to "normal" military service as civilians think of it. As a national unifying force, they do everyhting from providing healthcare to teaching patrioism. Very few people actually make it into combat. And for those who do, the army publishes moral material about how one should handle it. It's a court martiable offence to call the enemy any curse word in breifing, or to lay any real insults.

To see her describe what she will be doing over the next few months, those very few words and body language, was a bit horrifying.

I never seen someone describe with their hands what they were about to do ad if they were dumping garbage. The look on her face was a combination of forlorn and tired. She simpley put what she was doing as "moving people"

While I supporrt disengagement, reactions like these from the soilders who participate (such as my friend) makes me wonder how it will all work out.

The majority soilders in elite units are dati. As a group, I could generalize that the do not support Disengagement, or at least the removal.

I always wanted to know, even I understand the asnwer, why can't we leave the settlers there. The answer stares out to me in the form of Joseph's tomb. At the same time, I'm uncomfortable with that rhetoric. There must be more out there.

I have respect for people who at least know what they beleive me, quite unlike the Jewish state (though democratic, it still can't decide what Jew and Jewish mean.). Until the Jewish state decides to put some priority on the very fundementals of it's defintion, no one group should take it over. Yet disengagement manages to do just that. Hoepfully the result of disengagment will be that dati people at least force the rest of the population to take a strong look at what it means to be loyal Jeiwsh citizens. I hope they also manange to examine that themselves.

I support disengangement, thought I beleive these are the days that willmark the Harbringing of the Messiah. There is no one correct path, and sometiems two steps foward and one step back to look at some of the more important issues at hand about Judaism might be prudent. Hoepfully getting out will allow those issues to finally come forth. More so, I hope that all of those conflicts are resolved peacfully.

I don't think neccessarily staying in all of the territory is going to help that.

And my priority right now, is for the state to define itself. Becuase without that defination, how else to I define my own Jewishness.

posted by In the Lee of the Wind @ 3:22 PM 0 comments