A Blustery Day

Grammar and Love

First off, I can slowly see, despite the typos and the lack of edting in this blog (when I have time I will edit it), that my grammar is lsowly improving. This is considered a good thing, becuase of the people that know me well, know that I have a hard time writing.

Right now it is reading period, and next week is finals. I am having a really hard time studying. I just don't have the engery and focus needed to study for two exams and to write two papers. I don not feel like I am getting substational amounts of work done, and this is bothering me intensely. Ahh well.

I hsould also make the statement in response to my last post, I don't think most 16 year olds also have an idea of long term investment. At the same time, I am still in favor of having some co-ed activities, becuase I find that absolute segregation makes for awfully wierd beahvior patterns. The problem is how...I think that some of the problems involving how guys relate to girls does result in not having some academic parity in the classroom in jewish subjects. Often the goals in a coed classroom become just skills and thinking, since how we gender men and women in torah study and academic exellence would limit any other options. It would be nice to see a male character become the next Nechama L. while female becomes the next R. Aaron Lichtenstein, based only on training skills.

In single sex classrooms, it gets harder to try and create parity, but not impossible. I thiunk internal competiti0n rather than external (Stop telling everyone on the planet in other words who is the good learner and then make him/her the head chesed person in high schools!!!) might be effective. if you see everyone as competeing with themselves, then women can effectively compete as well.


This brings me to another topic entirely.

My thoughts on this world tend to make me,ummm, overly attached and appreciative of nice people, and I seem to have grown up somehow thinking that to be happy, one has to make others happy.

In other words I have managed to define myself exclusively on relationships, with external relationships with other people being more important than my own realtionship with myself. This makes me extremely paranoid of doing things wrong, becuase if I can't be perfect for others, then where will I be? I keep wondering if the stress of trying to be perfect is going to destroy my relationship.

It also makes me very needy on some level, more needy that I really should allow myself to be. In other words, I have never really done anything for myself wihout really asking if it will make someone else happy. Or only a few things. And it is stressing me out. And then I need to be comforted from the stress. being extremely tacatile in a shomer negiah relationship is not fun at all. Touch is definately one of the key ways you confort someone, and when one is paranoid about being enough, well then, touch becomes really useful.

I am with someone really wonderful. beyond being really self sufficent, the only things he expects of me is to support him, which I beleive strongly in doing anyways. This somehow is problematic for me, since I haven't convinced myself that it is enough for me to do just that.

I am going to rant on my parents, who baby me a little still. My mother still insits that I need to dress ort of conformist (she hates the ties....) and feels a need to still go shopping with me. I hate it, since I don't want toi be told how to dress.

My parents, except on special occasions, try to keep me out of the kitchen as well for saftey reasons.

Continuing on with safety, I'm still not allowed to sit in the front seat of a car when my father drives becuase it isn't safe enough.

Ok I get it....but it is making me paranoid....

I really want some self suffiency, becuase it is killing me emotionally.

*sigh*

They also think that you need to be very responsible to have priveldge. actually the priledge itself is the responsbilty. hence it is hard to convince them that it is ok for me to go places by myself still at night. That I do not need a curfue, becuase it is my responsibilty to find away home when I am out in the night,m or at least a safe place to sleep, and call in the morning or late in the evening to explain what is going on (which I don't even need to do here)


My parents have a hard time with this.

And it makes me paranoid now, becuase what if I havne't done enough to show I am of age all the time, and hence lovable?


Moody and tiredness kicking in.


And that was slightly rambly.

Bleh, back to math and shabbat.

posted by In the Lee of the Wind @ 2:04 PM