A Blustery Day

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

I'll be back

I just need to think about stuff first...and figure out what I am writing here

Saturday, March 25, 2006

External competition

Something I have always wanted to know is why I am driven by both extrenal competion, while being pulled equally by internal competition

I have a strong streak of jealousy in me. I really can't stand it when in some way, someone is better than me in a way that cuts at something that I consider to be something that I am naturally.

Of course, being that on some level, I don't trust that i am naturally anything, and therefore feel constantly undercut, I feel a strong need to prove that I am naturally enough of something.

It pains me then, to see that my good friend and my ex are seeminly better at being Jewish on campus and getting better grades than me. And I don't have a good reason either to be so jealous. it is just something I am.

I guess, it is mostly becuase I am insecure with myself. This insecurity has given me hell as I have been adapting through college, making my improvements slow to come by. I finally do not have anymore Cs, and I am finally in the catagory of all Bs (or various types) . I am hoping next quarter to finally start getting some A's as I get the hang of University.

So why does it bother me that thse two people seem ot be getting the hang of it.

True, I am not taking a subject which I know I would do well in, such as the "history" requirement, or certain aspects of biology, both of which require skills of understanding patterns and connections in random sets of Data. (don't tell me polisci and history do not, and do not tell me that they are easy...because on some level, if you can be able to make generalizations depsite the implict bias of both first hand accounts, data sets, and the interpreter's own human nature, you are doing very well in life. Sciences and Math may be very hard to understand becuase of the "numbers" involved, but they have a certain black and white nature that makes the truth in them very easy to understand and inherently truthful once the rules are in place. The social sciences, on the other hand, do not have the same kinds of limitations put on them. They only depend on how much you notice things in the world, and I have met very few people who notice both little details in the context of the wider world...) true, I spend a lot of time goofing off, becuase I don't know how to deal with everything soemtimes (though that is slowly changing). But I still don't see why they are doing better than me, if only becuase when I work, I work my butt off, and becuase from people my age's reactions, I am not writing nor saying things dumb nor irrelevant. So why won't my grades compare?

Part of this is my ability to write. My writing is not the words of F. Scott Fitzgerald. It's a disorganized mess, much like my mind. My hebrew teacher says she finds it fustrating at times to work with me, becuase she can see that I make these implict connections, that show I have something up there, but I can't express them. It becomes more fustrating for her becuase my questions reflect that I am looking for different thigns in the language than the class is, which often veers the class off topic. (yes I am slowly learning to shut up...) It also makes my very broad. ambitious, ideas hard to write about, if only becuase I have a hard time expressing all the logic in it. Sometiems I wish I could write abotu anything for as long as I wanted, becuase at least then I could get more of the little details out onto paper...but that isn't quite realistic. I've also had a really hard trime answering prompts for some reason....mostly becuase I can't always think the way people ant me to, and feel that the connections they want us to write about aren't helpful to deal with. I really need to stop doing that.

I also am finally having some sense of decency about it all being a ok that I am crisising about Judaism. But it is extremely fustrating to be crisisng about Judaism and life, while watching other people seem more sure about it. I don't really care if killing Amaleck is what bothers you deeply on some level (sorry babe), I want to know why the system matters at all, where I am within the system, how I affect the system, how the system affects me, and are all of these influences right, and if so why? It's like walking around in the face of Documentary Hypothesis and ignoring the truths espoused there (thought hat would be like ignoring the Ibn Ezra....which of course some of us do every day...) , while also not knowing about the truths of Umberto Cassuto... I would personally guess the truth lies somewhere in between.

It is also like knowing that we spin interpretation to have certain social customs, but we refuse to accept that fact. it turns out that there is nothing wrong with premarital sex in a relationship if ou are ashkenazi (i don't care what everyone will yell, ashkenazim do not hold by the Rambam consistenly, and there have defiantly beeen periods of time where we did not hold by the Rambam about pilegshot). I would throw my weight on Tamar Ross, who is short says the torah is always being revealed consituously. This cuts close to Conservative theology, which the Orthodox Movement refuses to recongize any truth in (or even that of reform...or reconstructionist....) Considering that Torah and Halacha is supposed to be blind Law., why is everyone reacting rather than acting...preserving through change? And where Do I lie in that kind of world?

Sometimes I wish they were less openly pious, becuase it really doesn't matter very much, and in some ways it is more fustrating, If only becuase piety in and of itself seems half-assed. It matters more to know where your piety and beleif in God and law come from, otherwise on some level you are being Falshe Frum. Don't just do something becuase It has always been right, do it becuase you have discovered why it is right....and don't be afraid of not giving blanket statements about it either. It bothers me so much that no one I know is willing to talk about why they beleive a certain behavior is justified or not....

Oddly, I know these fustrations are all really petty, and if I relax and just compete with myself (once I figure out that I am me and that I am ok), I will do much better as a Jeiwhs person and gradewise. But figuring all that out is really hard. Rediculously so.

I wish I could just make it better.

(and PS...it doesn't matter if you are a merit scholar....but to me at least...it does matter if you can write a theory about something, pushing your mind to create something...that is all...I just needed to say that to make myslef feel better)

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

As I sit listening to Goa

I keep thinking about school and life.

I realize I care a little less every day now that people consider me strange. t's so hard to let go to the fact that I am normal, just not the kind of person that other people would like me to turn into (aka become frumified).
What is awkward about all of this though is that in college I lack a sense of community with what I do. There aren't so many orthodox Jews around that are also confornting what I am confronting. When I go home and see my frienmds (as I did yesterday, wehn I got a friend to take me to her commuter college so I could do some research for Model UN), I realize how similar and how different I have become. They also are not confronting the things I am confronting, so they are not changing the way I am changing (though they are changing a lot, I cna see it). On the other hand, becuase we all share the same background, the way we think in some ways come from the same places. It is interesting to watch these changes, as people become more comfortable in thier skins (some needing to take more time to do that than others.)

It is also interesting to see what problems people are confronting. Probably the first one in the orhodox community is suddenly seeing people starting to date seriously, with shadchans (matchmaker people), etc. In some way I am really sheltered from that pressure, becuase I am so far away from home, in a place with a small orthodox community, in a college where marriage is far from people's minds. The most important question is: buisness, law school, or grad school. It's a totally different frame of reference out in college. While I never seen people who are more in love with what they study (or in one case, what she is not studying, for fear of feeling inadequate.), the thought patterns that cause people to live through thier work are so much different than those at home. Sometimes, I notice that at home, people are more in love with the ability to live in society, with family, kids, and the ability to be a pillar of the community at all costs. The competiveness to be part of the community in its fullest forms cause a lot of white collar crime, a lot of unhappy marriages (apparently there is a high rate of infidelities where I live), and a lot of bruised egos among people who feel like they can't keep up.
Out in college, the only people who will eat your ego is yourself. I know one guy who is in some way committed to the fact that he will fail, despite being a very smart guy overall. It seems that people know that they have to be reliant on thier talents in order to survive (which I am managing, thank god), and in order to fall in love with what they are doing.
It seems to be a place where becuase of this love of knowledge is so pervasive in the atmosphere, an eqaul if not greater love of God often falls by the wayside. There seems to be more resoucres for studnets who are not OJ though, if only becuase we are the tiniest minority on campus.(3 people out of about 4,000 undergraduates)(and yes I am happy there)
I wish there were more resources for students like me, but those resources seem to be more prevalient when you have the power of numbers.

In other news, When you think back to high school, and think on what people thoguht of you, your memories might actually be in conflict with what happened. i thought I was always one of those girls ont he sidelines..but apparently there was one guy who was just intimidated..who knew?

I kind of wish I did at the time. Despite from my memory his tendency to be argumentive, underneath he had his very nice moments. It probably wou;ld hav ebeen fun and more respectful than the bf who I did have in high school.

Remind me to write a post abouts sex, etc, instead of just guys.

Monday, March 06, 2006

A proof I saw

In my previous (aka the really long previous) post, I mentioned that something that was asked of me is to delineate the difference between God and Law.

I saw somewhere (but can't say where...for personal reasons you see, wasn't suppose to find it) a proof written up about why one should follow the torah.
The end results is that it does not matter if God exists in order to follow the torah, becuase the torah is seen as a better system for interpersonal relations. However if there is a God, then it should be innately logical to follows its statutes.

I take strong issue with such a proof. First on a basic level (understanding Jewish law, and later on the very realm of its philisophic proof)

A) Siniactic (did I make up a word?) law is based on the principle of chok, becuase laws of catagories such as purities and impurities cannot be explained, the most famous law being the laws invovled in Parah Aduma. I challenge anyone in the Olam Hablog to explain why the process of creating the ashes to purify those contamentated with impurity of death will make impure the priest who made the ashes.

This proof, in fact, cannot really quantify the existence of any form of impurity, including those who's practices are still around today (ie Tumat Niddah u'Zava).

Further, to call a system better or worse when it comes to interpersonal contact ignores completely the point of this upcoming week's parasha, Parshat Zachor. Running around killing people..yup makes for a great interpersonal system.

Or how about this: Cohanim marrying giyoriot. Unless you can prove by medical examination that she is betulah (a virgin) (something unlikely in this day and age where the hymen can be destroyed by such wonderful childhood activities as ballet!), she ia automatically zonah. That's right, she is like a prostitute. A female convert is assumed to have led a prostitute like life before she converted. If you think this makes for great interpersonal conduct, guess what...you are wrong (I would like to say thank God for people like my rabbi from Israel, who's rabbinic speciality was hard marriage cases for cohanim...he tried finding as many loopholes as possible for love's sake, though it won't work in all cases, so I have heard of a number of situations of what would be assumed as impossible situations actually being solved)

And Judaism is assumed to be the nice religion.

B) There are two huge philisophical assumptions that need warrants in this proof.
1) You can objectively measure a social system as being better or worse.
and
2)If there is god, god comes with the caveat of it being able to communicate with us, and hence can give us directives.

1) As a person who like reading anthropology and sociology papers sometimes, I can tell you that the David Buss (evolutionary psychology) reasoning works to a limited degree. A society that allows for its people to flourish will be the one that exists, no if and or ors about it. Just because one society works at a given point in time and place, doesn't mean that that fact will always hold true. In order to justify that a social system in a better social system, one has to justify why there is a dropping Jewish birthrate in both Israel and the United States and a dropping affilations in both countries (see both the Jewish population survey see the line about weakening ties among jews and the AviChai study). In other words, Judiasm as a whole, by the numbers, is losing ground to the other world(s) out there, which seem to satisify something that allows an individual to think that he is flourishing.

It seems that in the long term, this trend is going to continue. A religious lifestyle actually has to offer soemthing to keep its numbers up (and yes you can tell me all you want about the gains in numbers by the religiously modern orthodox...this is due to the ba'ale teshuva movement, and less so to actual population increases...a good chunk of those raised religious "fall off the derech" ASAP...plus there is a rising marriage age among the modern orthodox...which will result in this and the many articles here...)

To call it a better system may not be true in the sense of numbers.

Then you have the moral question....of course, this bring up a huge amount of questions as to objective morality, and if we know of whatever that objective standard might be when it comes to communal behavior. Remember, although you think mechizahs are the end all and be all perfect way to concentration in prayer, others might see it as a hinderance. (And this is why we get both the Shira Chadasha and the Belz approach in Jerusalem, let alone lack of mechizahs in UTJ-type Concervative synagoges) Which is the most moral mechizah...I don't know, and if you can tell me, then you have told me a lot, becuase people have perspectives about morality.

it is like knowing that the death penalty is the right thing to do...there is no absolute way to be sure, you can only go with your gut on the issue.

2)This fallacy is a little more straightfoward. This is about the defintion of god. Something that made a strong impression on me in midrasha is that it is impossible to define gods existence (or non-existence) on a yes/no system of logic. Otherwise you end up with assumptions about god (or even that god exists). We have absolutely no way of knowing if the bible hold true as god word beyond that it says that it is god's words....this is a circuitous fallacy and should not be encouraged...this holds true for all religious works claiming that it is god's word. There is no way of knowing anything about God, and to automatically link God and word is a suppostion, and should not be part of the proof itself. The proof only says otherwise that god exists; we know nothing about the nature of god. For all we know, by not going around fornicating becuase of the bible's statues, we might be displeasing God (I mean I doubt that, but still...)

The proof would require a whole bunch of other steps to prove that that bible is true without using the bible's own logic, plus show it's divine authorship, ir order to say one should follow it becuase it is the word of god.

As it is, despite it's awe inspiring beauty, I always wanted to know where the matching pottery shards filled with writing about biblical events have dissapeared to....

The best I can do on the bible is to follow Umberto Cassuto thoughts against the Documentary Hypothesis...so I don't see how his epic poem theory of Shemot translates into the word of God. (I would like to put here that Umberto Cassuto was an italian orthodox rabbi...those italians liberalness)

In conclusion:

Stop trying to walk around with proofs...they can be taken apart easily by those looking.

Note: I have not put foward anything as a new arguement for any of these problesm...to those who ask why..you can still apriciate the tree despite knowign (or in this case, not knowing) where it comes from.

Monday, February 20, 2006

There is

a really long post coming..A lot has happened.

Sorry school interferes a lot.

It will be about my existential crisis...which undoubtably probably a bunch of you were picking up that I was hiding that fact from myself.

see ya around

Friday, February 17, 2006

Hard thoughts

It has been quite a month...

This month I managed to help run a Model UN commitee for high schoolers over a shabbat where I could not write, or even manage to use an elevator correctly, let alone get in my room. The high schoolers performed very well, but I do not understand why they don't dress more tzniutly if they cannot manage to find something that is Western Buisness Attire. *Shrug*

U. , is giving me a hard time...Not by being annoying/evil/mean or any other particular appallation that falls into the catagory of not nice guy.

Actually in a wierd way, although fustrated with me, he cares about my psychological wellbeing.

Growing up in frumland apparently has messed up my particular worldview about what I can and should do, and how I feel about how people see me. I'm slowly coming out of that shell....really slowly...thanks a lot to people like him, who just see me as LITW, without the hangups of the Jewish community. I am giving a public shoutout to my living group and my friends on campus...You are all amazing people to accept me as I am, since a good chunk of the world is not like that.

Anyways, back to the stories (or story).

He's managed to pick up that I feel in a lot of ways strongly ambivalent about some religious practices, not in the sense of doing them, but doing them within a community, and the implications of how I practice them. Within that field is also how I think about the world and the religious world in particular.

In the past two weeks, I got an email from my ex in Israel. Good guy, poltically right wing when it comes to the state of Israel. Two things to note about this email
A) I got this email two days after hearing about the Danish embassies burning in Syria, and hearing that Iran was referred to the Security Council. I heard about this event in the middle of the Model UN conference...in a commitee named "Middle Rast Summit"...which was trying to deal with the previous week and a half's worth of news about Hamas winning the elections.
B) The best description of myself when it comes to politics(or any social sceicne) is that I am a pragamtist that trys to see the issues from outside of my own being. Talking about clothes that I wear and are worn in a communal enviroment is one thing...legistlating it is another. As a result, I feel that I am politically the Orthodox jewish equivalent of the far left. It doesn't help that when in an all orthodox crowd, I argue like a Meretz-Yachad member, (a stronger position often helps you find a better middle ground in the argument) while the rest of the Orthodox World around me would vote for National Union.*

(*National Union and Meretz-Yachad are two Israeli political parties..National Union being the very rightwing party and Meretz-Yachad the very leftwing party)

He was responding to a previous email where I was complaining that I feel like the clapper of the bell, hitting all sides of an issue without really moving anywhere. I wrote to him becuase I was worried about the Hamas win, which was accompanied by a feeling of Wishing I could do something about it while knowing that I could not.

He wrote back about the last bit of News...Amona.

This email said the following (note I am parsing things that are extraneous):

"The big issue in yeshiva is Amona. i'm sure you heard what happened, but i hope you heard the "other side" as well. The police acted waaay beyond the provocation of the few violent ppl. they just beat the shit out of everyone.. they bashed the heads on of 13 year olds. 2 of my friends got banged up pretty bad on the head. ppl got trampled with horses.....

I'm not really sure what to think about the violence. im of at least 4 minds on the issue. I guess practically i'm opposed because it's useless, and there's no forseeable end which would justify the means of violence. I'm not gonna get into it now. What i have decided is that one possible solution is to go on a "squatter offensive"- we have to send cadresd of kids and families to take as many hilltops as we can at once, and give the barbaric magav arsim hell (though w/ minimum violence, fisticuffs at worst, no cinderblocks). it'll be too hard for ther govt. to evacuate every outpost, and if we restrain the violence we still have a shot at capturing public sympathy. we may lose some battles, but it's our only chance at winning. i'm not sure anyone will listen... one of these days, maybe when i get married, i'd definitely like to live at one of these outposts for a bit. sounds like a meaningful spiritual experience. Sit on a hilltop, do a bit of drawing, meditate with the wierd bat ayin ppl... sounds fun. i'm not gonna participate in any expulsions, in that i don't want to get evicted from israel."

I did look at footage by the way....after this email...

Apparently, according to U., I was very shaken up by the email, in a situation from a sheer political point of view I should not take personally, especially considering I do not live in Israel currently.

The reason: I didn't know how to respond.

There is the emotional aspect...the very real emotions that you get when even if you do not live somewhere, you feel connected becuase you have loved ones who are there.

Then there is the aspect of being pushed into a specific position based on commonly held beliefs. In this case, mainly the corruption of Rav Yehuda Kook by Rav Zvi Kook. I understood the logic completely....nevertheless I do not agree with the implications of the postion they hold, nor do I neccessarily on an everyday basis agree with the background thoughts on the subject.

To be more explicit...Even if the Chilonim are the mechanism that brings Mashiach...Mashiach is not here yet and nor will you know when he comes. You should act as if nothing but your good deads matter...especially those bein adam l'chavero. You cannot force your beliefs on someone who does not want them, even if you beleive they are the mechanism in which you will be redeemed. Although the redemption does relate to them, it related through the fact they are also part of Am Yisrael (she chai bekayam) and hold a voice in the country that represents all Jews interests, no matter what they are and who holds them....Since they will be embraced by God becuase of their own personal nature... Mashiach after all, comes through our natural relationship with men...just as much if not more so than our relationship to god. The Mitzvah of settling the land is innate to the land, and not to messiah...nor from my understanding does Living and further settling the land en mass is part of the "ways you can force messiah to be messiah" is fase, whereas the I know that it is an explicit mitzvah to Just live in Israel in an unqualified state. if you are going to live in Israel for religious reasons, at least let them not be messianic considering you are not allowed to guess the coming of the Mashiach. If you are going to play in politics in israel...Play to the concensus, beucase consensus is just as much part of the process of unifiying the people in the Land of israel...which is the primary goal before settling it it, espeically in a situation where when you don't form concensus, you essentially destroy possibilities becuase of personal interests, aka the messiah...Mashicah after all, livies within you, not the land.
Further: Both U. and I (and many other people around here as well...but it was in coversation.) you should obey the country-you-live-in's policies on explict law, even if they are not equally applied. Tracing back to Locke (I can do that, I just read Second Treatise and Letter Concerning Toleration.), one should work with the state to obtain your rights back (if you believe they are your rights), especially in a situation where you are in the minority when it comes to who is objectively being abused or not. (the status of everyday abuse of OJ in Israel of course does not have an objective answer, just as the same question of everyday abuse by Orthodox jews in israel by the other sectors also does not have an objective answer...they may have more right ones though...however in this case...look they are being trampled by horses...that you can classify as objectively bad.,,,in a lockean sort of way) In other words....GET YOURSELF ELECTED!!!!!!! USE LOBBYISTS!!!!!! WORK WITHIN YOUR POLITICAL SYSTEM'S MECHANICS!!!!!!!!!

Which is something obviously not happening with the people who were in the protest turned riot becuase of how police presence was used.

Of course they were going to send police...although the border guard is excessive. Of course the teenagers should not have been protesting (especially on a school day with their teachers.) members of Knesset should not be caught encouraging others to throw rocks....Nor should anyone be throwing rocks...Especially in order to protect a settlement which there is a consecus that it should be gone, where considering the circumstances the protest was just as much (if not more) about Mashiach rather than the right to live and culitvate property freely.

In other words, I was angry at the students for being sucked into to a philosphy that they cannot judge...with it's strong ability to create a religious identity out of running around building houses as if that is the main mitzvah of life, not matter what the consequences. Especially under circumstances where the Messiah is not there yet!

And I was angry, becuase it is impossible to say that without getting a backlash, especially becuase at first glance it desanctifies the state (no it doesn't..it sanctifies the state thorugh the sanctity of its people, not through the sanctity of the land...That is why the first two words of the Bnei akiva slogan are Am Yisrael...Not Erertz Yisrael...or in other words, a mass grouping of Jews living together and governing together gives sanctity to the land, the land by itself is some carbon, calcium, nitrogen, oxygen, etc.)

Knowing this veiw as heretical in some ways, and knowing that I do sympathize (I Believe in the mashiach too, at least right now, and If i knew 100% that it would cuase him to arrive, I would do the same thing...unfortunately...do we know that anything we do will bring us salvation after death...salvation in the next life..and salvation when Mashiach comes....the answer is no)

I essentially wrote him a long letter at the end about settling the tops of mountains are silly (your goals is not to alienate the antion and make mini nations here) annulling respect for law...and in general, how i feel about Mashiach...After long encouragement to move on by U.

U later on further continued on to ask me questions about the exact relationship of law to God, why does it matter. This is an explict question about why the torah is true. Unfortunately as been discussed by such people as Dovbear (go towards the bottom..it is discussed in length there), the because god says so line of logical is a form of circuitious reasoning (the torah is true becuase god says it is true in the torah, which is true..if that doesn't sound circuitous, then I don't know what does) I had to admit to him that he was right. Which I only admited to in writing. It is one of those things I won't just talk about...for fear of being metaphorically crucified by the community.

The wierd thing that is pains him to see me in such a constricted state. He doesn't understand it. Frankly nor do I. it has put me in a existential crisis, which is oddly relieving, since suddenly what I do matters. It was always hidden underneath my thoughts that all of this needs to matter, and not be something done by rote, as it is with almost everyone I know.

Judaism today, even for the frummies like me, is a matter of choice. Taking away lots of choices is a choice. And if you cannot justify your choice, then why do you contineu to do it.
The biggest failure of the community is that they need kiruv clowns to create reasons that do not hold strong intellectual water. Beucase when you frame all mitzvot as a lack of choice, you have problems with a) ranges of mitzvot observance b) different understanding about what even should be mitzvah observances (hence why we have lots of responsas) c) the way people feel about specific mitzvah observances (there is no feel..just do...swish)

That is a religion of emptiness. To have no strong spiritual ground that shares intellectual ground is pitful, which is why last night I was asked why don't I become a Buddist (even then I would still be a Jubu ala the Jubus that are very close with their Judaism ala those that appear in the begining of The Jew in the Lotus.) Right now my reasoning is that by going through my existential crisis, which becuase of the religion involved, crosses every aspect of identity, I will be able to change the very essence of the Orthodox community (if i choose to say Orthodox...wonderful thing choice) if only becuase I don't shut up in person and hence will not shut up about the fallacies that appear in the way people believes and how it affects their lives.

All in all, a very helpful thing to go through, but extremely hard.

Hard most of all becuase of the conflict between the Marrieds and the Not marrieds over the conflicts within the Marrieds within the Minyan. essentially, the not marrieds are holding everything together on the board (though two of the not married are about to get married to each other..Mazel Tov!...but they have been not marrieds in this community for a very long time and sympathize a lot with us, the not marrieds with no kids), even though for a standard college minyan we would be the marginals, becuase we like doing and beleiving in are own thing.

Any minyan where a person going through an existential crisis is the Vice president of the board cannot be good.

Some board memebrs actually want to dissolve the minayn for two weeks, becuase a vacumn will force people out of their shells. However, the people most dependent on the minyan, My ex and my good female friend, will not even consider it. Everyone esle is just sick of what is going on, the president won't show up anymore becuase of the shtus.

So I feel stuck there....stuck in a place that cannot give me enough support to explore...so I have to find that on my own.

I wish myself luck.

(BTW, thank you Drew kaplan for the trackback...that is sooo ubercool!!! I got trackbacked!)

(My goal is that I get nominated one day as a college writer for the jewish blog award thing...as well as become a better writer...any help in either regard is much appreicated)

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Closeness

I find that I have a variety of close feelings towards different people.

Somehow it makes life very confusing when either they need to change or are changing, or even sometimes when they are not.

Ex-bashert for instance. Three/four orthodox Jews...one of them being my ex with my birthday.

I don't mind the change in types of closeness I mind the awkwardness of getting there and his partially mean responses that are so out of character for him to me.

I wish that change would stop.

My Mom:

Doesn't want things to change and suspects my religioisty at all turns.

Meanwhile anyone here would tell you I am fairly religious...in that cute adorable innocent kind of way rather than the "I live in my room and don't come out" kind of way.

It is really hard too, most becuase of the ability to not daven and the fact that your friends will offer you cheese pizza from dominos and yuou can't accept, as well as having to learn all sorts of practical halacha for the first time. Like how to get to the 27 floor of a hotel on shabbat (answer: push it with your elbow, go elbows!)

I need things to cvhange and let myself establish my own indpendence rather than having to think about how my facebook picture compares to my friends, who are starting to go the beauty 24/7 route.

I also am not her mom when it comes to decision making about her visiting. All the other parents make decisions on thier own, so the same should be true of me.

I hung up with her over the fact that she keeps asking, and also if i am really orthodox becuase like all things in college, the interent connection can break and then fix itself wihtout me touching a computer (leave a computer on for 24 or more hours)

Friend name J:

I miss her terribly...she gave the best advice and kind of understood people so well. She is on leave this quarter, b ut I am afraid that things won't be the same when she comes back.

I leave messages for her on her phone, but sometimes I wonder if that is enough...I know I shoudl really write her an email, but who has the time here?

Poetry boy named J:

Since breakup all my hidden feelings have again resurfaced. They kind of slowly do that whenver I am around him, but now it is worse becuase I realizing that I do not know how to escape this situation, to know if he is a player or if he cares, or anything....It has this stuck feeling.

And I hate being stuck.

Friend R:
Friend R is of South Asian desent. Friend R has a ridiculous amount in common with me, enough so that I can stay up until 4 talking to him. This is a problem because he is an aethist nochri, and I should not be doing things like thgat with aetheist nochrim, becuase how do you limit that kind of closeness. Oddly I know I don't want to date him, but if he were jewish I probably would start to wonder, despite that right now as a point I don't want to date anyone.

BTW to all those that are curious: I maintain the right to have an imagination, and he is impeccably nice/gentleman (beyond the cursing) who actually thinks (though I have to wonder about the norse flag in his room, in which I visited while keeping Yichud....hahaha, take that mom!)

He is also my chair, and Iam playign right hand person at UN. While I doubt this will get messy in any which way, I know form other non-jews (chinatown bus can get you interesting conversations) that jewish women like myself have freaked out around guys who were obviously interested in them and visa versa, except that the male wasn't jewish. I really don't want to have a hyperventiallating moment, mostly becuase I think it is stupid. If I can't have very close male friends who are not nin my culture/relgion..well then I am doing something wrong at college.

So this could be a contentious issue for a lot of people. Oddly, I don't see many of the men I know (who are great, go itlotw living group at college!) as that kind of attraictive, but I can see why. Then again I also don't feel I am spending enough time with them (note to self, stop in on the chill dorm parties but skip the drinking)

Oddly, in a coversation in Person R's room, I got him to understand the purpose of being shomer negia (I think this mostly has to do with the fact that he was being sexually active with his last ex, who kind of burned him. Poor guy, no one should go thorugh that.) My reasoning: So you can create an objective closeness with someone. (Perfectly good reaosning, even if it does come from The Magic touch, which I abhor.) Most peplke respect tghat as being religious here, btu don't understand why bother. Even if he thinks I live a highly regulated life (which I admit I do, and on some level I need to practice the regulations better), it is great to know that someone not jewish actually gets what is going on. This is especially important becuase there are a number of people here for whom I am the first Orthodox Jew they have met. My behavior matters more, along side my explanations.

This bring me to Friend S:

Friend S is part of the Jewish frat on campus. He was an orientation aid for hillel (this is how I first met him). He also is broken up with his previous girlfriend.

A) the same person in the frat is teasing us both how we should date (though not together)
B) he keeps asking why I am shomer..and I keep poorly articulating the same things. Or things which make him think that Modern Orthodoxy that I keep is fringe (which it is totally not!!!), since he feels that most of his friends who are Modern Orthodox are not like that.

Hello! Most of the MO jews are growing closer to halacha (as well at times more radical, such as shira chadasha, go them!) The people who he knows right now are either aware of the trend and are trying to ignore it (lets see how long that lasts, becuase comformity is a good thing *smirk*)

So right now he is annoyed with me about it. he doesn't quite get that although I know I am very (deliciously so even, mmmmmm) human, that doesn't mean this is the right time to indulge. (though i keep wondering about when I will....I should be very interesting at that point) So why bother me about it? This smells of something else going on in his head (my thought is hormonal, but ehhhhh)

In the meantime, though I see him as a great, cute guy, I really wish he would buzz off and let it go, or if that is his interest, to respect my relgious behavior instead of trying to change it.

I am behind on my reading from last week so I have to go!